Thursday, 26 October 2017

Saturn Junkyard Cosplay Awards 2017

Here at the Saturn Junkyard, we heartily approve of grown men and women making ridiculous video-game themed costumes, and then wearing them shamelessly around a comic-con or gaming expo, whilst bemused onlookers try desperately in vain to work out who they are supposed to be.

Whether you are a  beautifully healthy sun-tanned Bay Watch body-double, or have got to squeeze your cellulite riddled, pock-marked, flab into an ill fitting lycra leotard and leggings, using a shoehorn and a tub of lard, matters not!

It's entering into the spirit of the thing that's important! So to help you decide on your own Saturn themed costume for this year, we'll show you some of the efforts people have gone to in the past, for better or for worse... They all get the world famous Father Krishna seal of approval for having a go!


What I hadn't reckoned on, was the strange psychological associations and feelings, brought on by perusing these cos-play pictures. Why do subjects as diverse as creeping terror, Cilla Black, the Joker, the Russian Mafia, evil clowns and Frank Sidebottom come to mind when looking at a bunch of gaming characters? (If you have no idea who my Anglo-centric comparisons refer to, click on the links!)

Choose your favourite and identify it in the comment section, or save them to your device and throw them up on the Facebook page for anyone who has missed them!

Category1: NiGHTs Into Dreams: The Saturn never had a flagship Sonic title at launch, and over time, it is Sonic Team's 'NiGHTs' that has become the flagship icon associated with the console. A difficult character to emulate, not least because it's a little unclear whether he is a boy or a girl, NiGHTs also has some oddly shaped head gear, both potential stumbling blocks for the potential Saturn themed cos-player...


3rd Prize: The couple above deserve a third place position, for not taking the easy route and going for the 'Eliot and Claris' option (like these two losers to the right...) which would have been the easiest thing for a couple to do-- --especially if the majority of the  preparation for the event you are attending, involves grabbing a few old clothes from the cupboard and then posing in a certain stance whilst holding a couple of props-- --

At least our third place winners have gone to the effort of making their own costume, and applying a bit of face-paint, even if the guy seems to be channelling Heath Ledger as the Joker than Reala... Points have to be deducted for the setting of the photo, as Croydon High Street at 11:15 a.m. certainly doesn't have the surreal qualities of Nightopia during the witching hour...

2nd Prize: I'm not sure about sweet dreams, but the effort pictured above could certainly give you nightmares! It's the distorted 'Frank Sidebottom' head that stops me from wanting to close my eyes ever since I first saw it, four sleepless nights ago... however, there's no denying the costume creator has succeeded in creating an instantly recognisable NiGHTs, even if it stops you from ever wanting to play the game again...


1st Prize: This one takes the premier position as she seems to have it all going on... The right shaped foppish jester hat, the invisible flute, the whopping feet and the whimsical stance. Ideally she should be stood on top of a sky scraper next to the moon, but we'll overlook that fact!


Special Award: This has got to be the shittest NiGHTs cosplay ever, but we'll give him an award for remaining loyal to the Saturn, rather than jumping ship to some easier costume opportunity. I can only assume that he ran out of time before he finished, which is why he's wearing the thrift-store quality trainers-- which oddly look more ridiculous than the huge jester shoes he should be wearing. And no matter how god damn awful his costume is, it's not as bad as the diabolical effort featured in the next picture, which I wouldn't sully the NiGHTs section with...
Category2: Sonic and Friends...



3rd Prize: Whilst the addition of Ulala from the Dreamcast's Space Channel 5, Claris and a truly fucking horrific NiGHTs--from the game of the same name-- plus some dork in a Sega T-shirt might have swayed my judgement in the past, I'm now of a much firmer resolve. I can't be bought with cheap Sega gimmicks! The fact that Sonic's costume looks like it was bought directly from a Sega promotions team, doesn't help poor Tails, who looks like his costume was knocked up in a Mafia run sweatshop, somewhere behind the Iron Curtain in the early 90s...


2nd Prize: This young couple look like they spend their evenings together, playing videogames and making costumes for their once a year visit to Comic-Con, or for illicit swinging activity with other desperate nerds. You've got to give them props, not only for their dual effort, but also for the strange 'bare-torso' look of Sonic, who I reckon is off to a weird Sega themed fetish party, as soon this photo-shoot is finished!


1st Prize: The dyed blue hair works well for me. That's the only reason I awarded her the top prize. That and the Green Hill Zone checker board wall pattern and the golden rings on the floor... Plus she has a certain Cilla Black thing going on... What's that all about Alfie?


Special Award: This guy smashes it as Dr. Robotnik... Or is it resident of HMP Broadmoor, the most dangerous prisoner in Britain, lovable psychopath Charles Bronson?  But hang on just a dog gone minute... what's with the bloody elastic holding up his huge ginger moustache? If it wasn't for that glaring inconsistency, I might have given him first prize in this category!   

Category 3: The Saturn Console as a costume -  A strange category, but increasingly popular this year, as the Saturn continues it's meteoric rise to the top of the console charts in 2017 (in my house.)
The design for this original and somewhat strange costume, seems to consist of random clothing and a Sega Saturn for a head. However, creating a Saturn that will actually fit on your head could be something of a challenge!


3rd Prize: Not a terrific variety to choose from in this category... Apart from the obvious winner, they're all 'much of a muchness', so I'm not going to dwell too long on each one...
The reason the guy above was voted into third place, was the fact that his stunner is black, not the requisite blue or red that I prefer, and that's the kind of arbitrary and unfair qualification that'll allow you to come last when I'm judging!


2nd Prize: The only reason these guys have come in at second place, is the fact that you can see the depth of their head gear. Holding your stunner sideways is WAY UNCOOL chaps, so cut it out immediately, or we'll bump you down to fourth.


1st Prize: A hot woman, with a Saturn for a head, in a bath, with a massive plate of chips. She's ticked all of my boxes, except there is no gravy on the chips... Other than that, 10/10 and a clear winner!



Special Award: He's got a straw going into his Saturn-like head. Forward thinking in cos-play is extremely important, and for that alone we award this chap our booby prize, I mean special award...

Category 4: Akira Yuki of Virtua Fighter - Okay, so now we're moving onto the mascot character of Virtua Fighter, the Saturn's epic 3D fighting game...

I dread to think what kind of a shambles we're about to let ourselves in for, so we better get on with it I suppose... Dear Lord...


3rd Prize: So you're channelling Akira Yuki for the evening. Take your bloody glasses off, FFS! 
Wearing spectacles to assist your deficient eyesight, doesn't scream 'bajiquan fighting  master'. Next!

2nd Prize: It's the same guy twice, right? And here he is, wearing the blue outfit and the white ensemble! There's only one conclusion we can draw from this-- that our friend here, desperately wants to BE Akira Yuki. Not just on Halloween, or for Comic-Con or whatever, but all day and every day. Which is why we see him in his house, rather than at a party or convention! You could have at least moved the chair dude! Oh well, at least he's not wearing glasses...




1st Prize: By sneaking a convincing looking Pai into the action, this Akira has made himself look slightly more convincing than his two predecessors. I'll also give him the hair. Guy must have spent a ton of money on product to achieve spikes like that!


Special Award: The chap above, by contrast, hasn't gone to much trouble at all. Basically, he's borrowed a judo suit from a guy down the pub and reluctantly put it on. The bowl-like haircut, is more like Mo from the Three Stooges than Akira! Where are your straight black spikes? Never mind in Virtua Fighter, I feel like giving him a severe thrashing in real life!

Category 5: Virtua Fighter Supporting Characters - Whilst Akira is fairly popular amongst cos-play practitioners, (particularly the lazy ones) the rest of the characters of Virtua Fighter seem to be largely forgotten! We've cobbled together some of the rest, to tickle your funny-bone and at the same time, pad out this post...


3rd Prize: Sarah Bryant - Not exactly how I'd imagined a real life Sarah, but I knew who she was straight away, so she slips in at number three. Must have taken a while to get the blue spandex cat-suit on, and I would imagine after a day spent perspiring in some sweaty convention centre, it would be even more difficult to get it off...


2nd Prize: Pai Chan: A convincing Pai, gets my vote at number two, for the excellent hand positioning in this particular shot. Either she's seen a lot of Virtua Fighter promotional material, or she likes to vogue spontaneously.


1st Prize: Kage Maru! 'Nuff said! This is a fairly good cos-play of Kage, who is definitely my favourite character in Virtua Fighter, due to his ability to somersault head first into his opponents crotch, whilst they are sprawled out on the floor following one of his signature backflip kicks!



Special Award: Holy crap! I couldn't decide between either of these sartorial disasters...Sarah Bryant? *Gulp!* Now this is definitely not my mental image of Sarah... I don't know if the pose is 'coy and coquettish' or 'deeply uncomfortable' and 'mortally embarrassed'. And is this blurred selfie my idol, Kage Maru?? TAKE YOUR BLOODY GLASSES OFF! not for the whole day, just for your picture, you silly prick!

Category 6: Segata Sanshiro  - This better be good you cos-players out there... I don't want a repeat of the Akira Yuki laziness! I want to see more effort made with your giant Saturns...


 3rd Prize: Without doubt the best giant Saturn number three, but where is your Elvis wig? You can't be a successful Segata, if you haven't got thick lustrous black hair, a symbol of your virility and chi power!
Oh FFS... here we go again...GLASSES!!!! 😲



2nd Prize: This Segata has definitely got the hair and the banner telling us to play our Saturns is a nice touch. But the controller is much bigger than the console itself! A very good angry frown, this Segata oozes attitude... but it just wasn't enough!


1st Prize: What a whopping Saturn! I like a man with a whopper, and this guy certainly has a Saturn worthy of the great Segata himself... He also has the hair and even looks a little like the man, if not a gentler, kinder version...



Special Award: Oh dear... Segata doesn't wear socks you tool! Your Saturn looks good from a distance, but where is the giant controller? How are you going to do the Segata button-mash?? I'm also slightly appalled by the ironing board in the background... Do you think Segata has time to iron when he's beating up non-Saturn playing adolescents???

Category Seven: Random Awards For Cosplay Excellence:

Lara Croft (Tomb Raider) ... 


 Cammy (Street Fighter):



 Felicia (Vampire Savior: Lord Of the Vampire)




Jill Valentine: (Resident Evil)

 

Morrigan (Vampire Savior: Lord of the Vampire) -


Wesker, Jill and Chris (Resident Evil -)


Well there you go! I hope you comment on your favourites and post any omissions that deserve to have been in the running (particularly any of yourself...) over at the Saturn Junkyard Facebook page!

2 comments:

jon lee said...

Looking at the random cosplay costumes selection goes a long way to answering the question where have you been tonight. As a person who has been described as a character looking for an anime to fit into I can appreciate the time and dedication it takes to put an ouitfit together. I of course have the luxury of being able to dreess as me, and I find that a struggle sometimes, i can only imagine how stressful it is to be the hornet car from daytona for 12 hours

Daniel Turner said...

the 1st place sonic girl and 2nd place tails girl need to get together! mmmm