Friday, 19 January 2007

New Goodies for The Saturn Junkyard




Well if you don't ask you don't get... having seen the same sorry ass bunch of games at my local Gamestation over the last few visits, I decided to be bold and harass the 'uber-geek' behind the desk if they had any "under the counter" goods.





No you bunch of perverts! I'm not talking about hardcore illegal porn, (I get that elsewhere obviously...) I'm talking about Saturn stuff they were holding back, till they'd flogged off the load of shite they had on the shelves, to some unsuspecting dupe. I was presented with a large box of games to sift through, which yielded the following bounty...
Now I'm not going to do a full review of any of them, just give you my first impressions of each title. At £6 the lot I couldn't go far wrong... Or could I?



Now as it worked out, there are three that will get a second play, one that might get a few plays and two that will be played again and again, and maybe played to completion, although with my track record that's highly unlikely...

We'll work through from the frankly shite to the quite good...




Number 1 "Hardcore 4x4": Now I've played a lot of games in my time... from the first 'Pong' type black and white "Blip...blip...blip..." style game, to the most coveted next gen title "Lost Planet" on the Xbox 360...




I've played 2D games, 3D games, shumps, sports games, platformers, RPGs, strategy games, flight sims, fantasy games, life sims, animal games, beat 'em ups and even (believe it or not) business games. I've played games in arcades, on my TV, on handhelds, watches, on my computer and on my phone. And yesterday, I found THE shittest game of all time... and I'm ashamed to say, it's a Saturn game (but not exclusively, thank God...)

This multi-format nightmare, is without exaggeration, the worst gaming experience I have ever had. I've not even bothered to check it's name properly... It could be called '4x4 Hardcore'. It should be called "A right fucking load of wanky arse vomit" for that's what it is...






Shitty, pixellated four wheel drives, 'race' at a fucking snail's pace, around the most rediculously bumpy and winding track, crashing into each other in a competition to see who can do the shittest. The best description I can give you is, it's like being spiked with really powerful acid, chained to a tractor and then set off through a river of porridge and excrement, on a twisting mountain road, whilst the devil cracks off a slow, sulphurous, rumbling fart, in through your ears and out through your mouth.

Get the picture? Good. Things can only get better...




Number2: Resident Evil A piece of gaming history, as Capcom branches out from it's 2D fighter roots, and takes the gaming world by storm by virtually inventing the 3D Horror Survival RPG. Only one snag here... I could never get into any of the Resident Evil titles.
Firstly, I'm shit at the game. Whether it's this initial foray into the franchise on the Saturn, or the highs of R.E. Code Veronica on the Dreamcast, I'm just shit.




I want to like it... I really do, but whichever incarnation I play, I end up hating the way the characters seem to ice-skate through the game when walking... I get lost very easily, can't remember where I've been or come from, panic as zombies approach and end up with one of the undead motherfuckers taking a good old chomp out of my neck, with blood spurting out whilst I try to shake them off, wriggling about like a little girl whose been injected with smack. And those doors, those fucking doors that you have to stare at while the levels load... *shudder!*


Yes, yes, yes. I fully expect to get a good slagging off for this. I'll hold my hands up... It's me not the franchise. I'm shit, the games good. Yeah, yeah... whatever...



Number 3: Exhumed Now actually, this one is quite good! And there you were thinking I was just a moaning arse. This Egyptian themed FPS sees you exploring a labarynth of tombs trying to avenge the grave-robbing of some long-dead Pharaoh. Visually simple, you follow a series of mazes, twisting right and left, looking at the end of your sword or pistol, and slashing or firing accordingly. 3D in the most simplistic of senses, this is rather like an old PC game. On your way you battle jumping spiders, buzzards and a concoction of other scary beasts. Killing them gives you power-ups and replenishes health.


You can twist and turn your way through the ancient crypts at quite a speed, giving the game a fluid and pacey feel. I don't usually like FPS games, never got into Quake or Doom, but this, I like... Good-oh! Let's crack on..


Number 4: Street Racer Definitely the best of the bunch! A Mario Kart style racing game with an eight-player multi-play facility. Cartoony in it's graphic layout, the best way to describe it is by comparison. I've already mentioned Mario Kart, let's throw in Whacky Races on the Dreamcast, Micromachines on the Megadrive and even a touch of Crash Nitrokart.



Very impressive graphics and 3D physics within the game engine, I'm not going to say too much about this particular game because its so good it deserves a full review at a later date.

Phew! Quite a lengthy diatribe for what was meant to be a quick post! All this typing's made me feel like I need a quick Segata Sanshiro fix, so I'll shamelessly throw another straight on top of this... Goodnight dear children, wherever you are...

14 comments:

The Elderly said...

a whole under the counter box of gaming goodies.... damn that would have made my year... such gems..

(completely ignores resident evil negativity.......)

fatherkrishna said...

Thanks for your kind ignoring of my Resident Evil inadequacies...

gnome said...

A most brilliant of post oh Father that should please the SJY hordes for some time... Oh, and as I've already told you, well.. cant say I'm much of a RE fan meself...


Exhumed on the other hand... Now, that seems interesting...

J said...

I didn't think the Saturn could handle Street Racer. You learn something new everyday!

fatherkrishna said...

Yeah and just to align the cosmic balance, I bought Resident Evil 4, Virtua Fighter 4 and Outrun 2006 today... Hey Resident Evil... No doors, no skating... could be a new relationship developing here...

fatherkrishna said...

I now fucking love RE4 and it looks set to become my new obsession... Thanks for bitch slapping me over 'Dead Aim' J, I think it spurred me into action...

gnome said...

RE4? Where are you playing this? Not on a Saturn, right?

fatherkrishna said...

Father Krishna appears, heavily disguised wearing long overcoat, false ginger beard, dark sunglasses and large fedora hat.
Looks furtively about, shuffles and looks for Gnome..."PSSST!" (in hushed awkward tones) Come here, look don't tell anyone but I'm playing it on the *cough!*... PS2"

FK shuffles off in silence...

gnome said...

Aaaah!

Hey, FK, a cop told me all about your RE4! Amazing!

fatherkrishna said...

Three evenings after work now devoted to RE4... eyes sore, nerves shredded. I think I'm about half way through... I'm in a castle... It's fucking amazing!!!

Caleb said...

RE4 is amazing. I love the hard mode that you get after beat the game. I am seriously considering buying the PS2 version just so I can play more as Ada Wong.

I love RE 1 as well, but I have never been able to get into the original and beat it. I actually only beat the remake on the Gamecube which is friggen' amazing.

I had no idea it ever came out for the Saturn!

Exhumed! I think I actually played that game on the PC from the Underdogs website (Lets you download games that are no longer copywrite protected). I was playing some FPS alien thing on my Saturn the other day and I was bemoaning the lack of regular game pads.

fatherkrishna said...

The RE for Saturn is pretty poor (mind you I did only give it 5 minutes!!!)

I once got some RF leads and pads off Sega just by ringing up to see if they still sold them... It was after the death of the Saturn but before the rise of Ebay...

Did you know Sega will send you a free dreamkey disc off Sega if you register online...

Pierre LaStank said...

I enjoyed this post. I wish that there were stores in my area that still carried Saturn stuff, but alas, they are long gone at this point. Oh, sure, Gamecrazy has a couple now and again, but how many copies of NHL '96 does one really need. I would LOVE to find a stash of good games for cheap money, but it has been months since I last came across a few marginal titles (Ghen War, Myst, the ever popular NHL '96 and the ever crappy D) at a local Salvation Army. Perhaps when yard sale season comes again, I will come across games like Panzer Dragoon (any of 'em will do) or Nights into Dreams. For now, I will have to placate myself with playing Rayman on my Saturn (along with a couple of others) and any of the far too many (wife's words) games for my other systems.

fatherkrishna said...

Pierre! An honour to have you here sir! Glad you liked the post. Indeed I am fortunate to have a couple of outlets here where the odd piece of Saturn treasure (or shite as my wife calls it...) pops up.
But surely these days you can pluck the odd gem off the 'net?
I got the original Night's Into Dreams, Dead Or Alive and Virtua Fighter Kids on Jap import for approx. £10 each...

However there's nothing quite as good as finding a gem for peanuts...

One of my favourite Saturn Games is Fighting Vipers which I got for £1. I did pay £25 for HOTD...still worth every penny.

Good luck with your quest monsieur Pierre, and may the God Of Sega bestow blessings upon you...