Thursday, 7 June 2007

The Secret Scroll Of Segata Sanshiro!


OH! MY! GOD!

(Or should I say? Oh! My! Segata San!)



Whilst on an archaeological internet 'digg', I was blessed enough to encounter a PINK GODZILLA. And lo, did the rose hued, scaley beast reveal to me, the most secret of the ancient scrolls, of our blessed leader.

For aeons (or possibly since the late Nineties) these mighty words have remained hidden, waiting for a pure souled, Saturn loving priest, to stumble upon them and experience the mystic path that lead to our most holy of cults...

So now dear reader sit back and enjoy the Ancient Epic...

"The Greatest Story (About Segata Sanshiro) Ever Told!" (possibly...)

"Have you played Sega Saturn lately? Have you explored the magical world of NiGHTS or commanded a massive army in Dragon Force? Have you mastered the insane space combat of Radiant Silvergun or enjoyed the epic Panzer Dragoon Saga? If you haven't, you might want to lock your doors extra tight tonight because you may be in for a visit from the defender of the Saturn, Segata Sanshiro.

Who is Segata Sanshiro and why should you be afraid of him? Join us below the fold for the legend of the greatest gamer ever!
Back in the dark ages of the mid-1990's, the young people of Japan had lost their gaming ways. Few people showed true dedication to the hardcore gaming lifestyle that had made Japan the center of the gaming universe. Instead, most people entertained themselves with shallow and unwholesome pursuits like clubbing, going to the mall, and playing sports.




It was into this environment that Sega introduced its Saturn console. The Saturn was the first entry into the newest generation of consoles and would be competing against Sony's brand new Playstation and the Nintendo 64. Sega had lost the previous console war to Nintendo and needed a big performance by the Saturn to turn the tide. Fortunately for Sega, they had a trump card up their sleeve, the legendary Segata Sanshiro.

Little is known about the origins of Segata Sanshiro. He spent most of his younger years deep in training until he became a master in both the gaming and martial arts. Segata shunned the pleasures and conveniences of the modern world, choosing instead to live as a simple hermit, dedicating his mind and body to constant training. One day, Segata went into the city to see if the younger generation was as dedicated to gaming as he was. What he saw shocked and saddened him.




Everywhere that Segata looked, he saw kids slacking off and ignoring their gaming duties. Instead of practicing combos for their favorite fighting games or memorizing enemy ship patterns in scrolling shooters, they were playing outside in the unhealthy sun and lazily wandering about in trendy stores and malls. Segata saw that their gaming abilities had become weak and soft and he became dismayed. Without proper skills and training, the proud gaming tradition that Japan had built would start to wither and disappear.




Segata searched far and wide for something that would inspire the people of Japan to give up their indolent ways and regain their passion for gaming. He soon found exactly what he was looking for at the headquarters of Sega of Japan. The very first time Segata laid eyes on the Sega Saturn, he was awed by its perfection. Its amazing games and futuristic graphics pierced his very soul and reawakened a desire for gaming that even he didn't know he had.




Segata returned to his hideout in the woods and trained night and day on the Saturn until he became master of the system. Satisfied with his progress, he embarked on a quest to spread the word of Sega to all the lazy youth of Japan. He believed that the Saturn would revive the dormant spirit of gaming that had once been the pride of his people. Unfortunately for those aforementioned lazy youth, Segata had never learned the fine art of motivational speaking and he spread the word the only way he knew how, with violence.




That's right, you must play Sega Saturn or you will be beaten up. With a message of pain and suffering for nonbelievers, Segata tore a swath of terror through Japan. Anyone who was caught wasting their precious lives with lesser pursuits would be subject to an educational pummeling by Segata.




Segata Sanshiro quickly became a household name. Children would run screaming at the very mention of him, and everyone carried a piece of Saturn memorabilia in a vain effort to appease the beast. Those who ignored the warnings and still continued to cling to their unwise habits felt the wrath of the mysterious gaming enforcer.
Despite the frequent beatings, the people of Japan came to respect and love their aged tormentor. Hardcore gamers idolized his dedication to the hobby and others enjoyed his catchy theme song and prowess at sports.




Despite Segata's best efforts, the Saturn was unable to beat Sony and Nintendo in the console wars, settling for third place. However, thanks to Segata's education campaign. the Saturn did have more success in Japan than it did in the rest of the world. Many quality titles were released for the system and it gathered an impressive fanbase.




Unfortunately for Segata and his followers, technology continued to advance and the Saturn was soon ready to be replaced by a newer generation of consoles. Even though he was being left behind, Segata would still have one final task to complete in service to Sega and to gaming.



In late 1998, right before they were set to announce their newest console, Sega executives came under attack by vicious pirates. Intent on sabotaging the launch of the Dreamcast by killing their entire senior management, the pirates launched a massive missile at Sega HQ. It looked like the missile would strike it's target and destroy Sega forever. Suddenly, none other than Segata Sanshiro jumped into the path of the rocket and deflected it out into space. Segata knew that there would be no return, but he continued to ride the missile, guiding it out of the atmosphere where it exploded far away from innocent people.
Segata's heroic sacrifice greatly moved the leaders of Sega, and they memorialized him with the greatest honor they could give, his very own game.
Rare Game Alert!:Segata Sanshirou Shinken Yuugi




One of the last Sega Saturn games ever released was a tribute game featuring Segata Sanshiro. Segata Sanshirou Shinken Yuugi is a collection of mini-games based on the famous Segata commercials. Completing the minigames will allow you to view the original commercials. This game can be very difficult to find, with copies popping up on Ebay only sporadically. Any Saturn collectors will definitely want to keep their eyes out for this hidden gem!"




8 comments:

The Elderly said...

...so it was written, and those that beheld the scripture were pleased and a verily a great shaking and chattering spread through the congregation.... and a chant that began as a gasp of awe became a roar that spread through the very voids of the galaxy...

Segatta Sanshiro....
Segatta Sanshiro

fatherkrishna said...

It's like the Dead Sea Scrolls! This is the gaming/archaeological find of the century!

What does Seamus think about it?

mikey4u1984 said...

I dont know why but Segata shansiro gives me the creeps.

NebachadnezzaR said...

BEST! POST! EVER!!!

Thank you Father K for bringing to us the message of Segata Sanshiro.

Now, let's all pray together:

Segata Sanshiro
Segata Sanshiro
Sega Saturn...

...shiro!

gnome said...

Segata

SEgata

SEGata

SEGAta

SEGATa

SEGATA

S E G A T A !!!

Brill post Father. Huge too!

fatherkrishna said...

I'm so glad you both liked it!

LOVE your cult commitment Nebacha!

LOVE the way you built that up Gnome!

More Segata Sanshiro posts on the way! LOL! ;)

Seamus the Leprechaun said...

(having just been released from house arrest the leprechaun can at last wander freely.....)

well i dunno, this is my first introduction to a deity...he's certainly all white and godly.... do you have a wig in my size?....

gnome said...

Segata has everything!