Sega Saturn Saucepot Of The Month: November 2017!

A new month, so we couldn't let the opportunity for more Sega Saturn related sauciness pass us by. Our Halloween look at some of the Saturn 'cos-play' offerings  plastered unashamedly across the internet, got us fired up and in the mood for some more gaming-themed eye candy.

If we had to nominate one computer generated video-game character who has been sexualised more than any other, who has occupied the hormonally raging minds of many an adolescent boy (and even some grown men...) in short someone who has who has made desire synonymous with gaming, then that person would have to be Segata Sanshiro  Lara Croft.

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Lara is not exclusive to the Saturn of course, (most of her adventures were played out predominantly across different generations of Playstations, and her increasingly lacklustre offerings were of course, whored out by Eidos across as many platforms as possible...) yet she was destined to debut on the Saturn way before she jumped ship to Sony, so I'm claiming her as one of the Saturn's own... you can read all about Lara's chequered relationship with Sega here...

One of the strangest things about Lara's appeal is just how unattractive she actually is... I'm not talking about the movie Lara (as portrayed by the quite attractive Angelina Jolie...) or any of the model/actresses who have been paid to promote her as a heroine at gaming expos, advertising launches or charity events...

Is this what Lara would look like 'in real life'?

I'm talking about the real Saturn Lara... The one who looks like the screen shot pictured below...
No matter how pubescent and hormonal you are, you're not going to keep that image as a regularly accessed deposit in the wank-bank are you?

Angular, pointy, unreal and unyielding, she looks so fake. Breasts only looked like that for a brief period after the war when bras were manufactured from recycled gun metal, and when Madonna was having an attention-seeking flirtation with the styles of Jean Paul Gautier.

When I say Lara is fake, I'm not having a pop at her aristocratic nature, or the fact that the Croft family probably got rich by stealing land from starving peasants back in feudal times; I mean she looks fake... very much like a child's Barbie doll or a badly crafted mannikin. Maybe attractive to a young child who wants her doll to be a kick ass archaeologist, but to a teenage boy (who could presumably get his filthy hands on some real 'pr0n' with the right drive and determination...) surely not?

And yet there were boys (and no doubt some girls) who were obsessed with her! Sexually obsessed! They wanted to peel back the layers polygonal clothing from her pixelated triangular body, to gaze on her underwhelming and frankly non-existant conical knockers... For she did not exist without 'clothes'! There was no nakedness underneath!This was not a real woman! She did not exist!

Was this phenomenon of becoming attracted to fictional and unreal looking women new? Was there any precedent for a real human finding a video game icon sexually attractive?

Unfortunately, the answer was glaringly obvious. This was by no means a new phenomenon... It had been happening for years! We hadn't had computer generated women for very long... but we had had stuff like this...

 and this...

and this...

which believe it or not, sent the pulses of their respective generations soaring... Why was it a surprise that young boys were fantasising and speculating about what a REAL Lara Croft would look like? They'd been doing it for years with a plethora of fictional characters... There were probably medieval young men getting all hot under the collar as they imagined a buxom, pouting Guinevere in Sir Thomas Mallory's 'La Morte D'Arthur' back in 1485...

So if you were one of those young men, back in 1996 who got a little bit of a semi for our Lara, I hope this month's Saturn Saucepot has stirred up some long dormant longings and very sticky happy memories... 😉