New Goodies for The Saturn Junkyard

Well if you don't ask you don't get... having seen the same sorry ass bunch of games at my local Gamestation over the last few visits, I decided to be bold and harass the 'uber-geek' behind the desk if they had any "under the counter" goods.

No you bunch of perverts! I'm not talking about hardcore illegal porn, (I get that elsewhere obviously...) I'm talking about Saturn stuff they were holding back, till they'd flogged off the load of shite they had on the shelves, to some unsuspecting dupe. I was presented with a large box of games to sift through, which yielded the following bounty...
Now I'm not going to do a full review of any of them, just give you my first impressions of each title. At £6 the lot I couldn't go far wrong... Or could I?

Now as it worked out, there are three that will get a second play, one that might get a few plays and two that will be played again and again, and maybe played to completion, although with my track record that's highly unlikely...

We'll work through from the frankly shite to the quite good...

Number 1 "Hardcore 4x4": Now I've played a lot of games in my time... from the first 'Pong' type black and white "Blip...blip...blip..." style game, to the most coveted next gen title "Lost Planet" on the Xbox 360...




I've played 2D games, 3D games, shumps, sports games, platformers, RPGs, strategy games, flight sims, fantasy games, life sims, animal games, beat 'em ups and even (believe it or not) business games. I've played games in arcades, on my TV, on handhelds, watches, on my computer and on my phone. And yesterday, I found THE shittest game of all time... and I'm ashamed to say, it's a Saturn game (but not exclusively, thank God...)

This multi-format nightmare, is without exaggeration, the worst gaming experience I have ever had. I've not even bothered to check it's name properly... It could be called '4x4 Hardcore'. It should be called "A right fucking load of wanky arse vomit" for that's what it is...






Shitty, pixellated four wheel drives, 'race' at a fucking snail's pace, around the most rediculously bumpy and winding track, crashing into each other in a competition to see who can do the shittest. The best description I can give you is, it's like being spiked with really powerful acid, chained to a tractor and then set off through a river of porridge and excrement, on a twisting mountain road, whilst the devil cracks off a slow, sulphurous, rumbling fart, in through your ears and out through your mouth.

Get the picture? Good. Things can only get better...

Number2: Resident Evil A piece of gaming history, as Capcom branches out from it's 2D fighter roots, and takes the gaming world by storm by virtually inventing the 3D Horror Survival RPG. Only one snag here... I could never get into any of the Resident Evil titles.
Firstly, I'm shit at the game. Whether it's this initial foray into the franchise on the Saturn, or the highs of R.E. Code Veronica on the Dreamcast, I'm just shit.




I want to like it... I really do, but whichever incarnation I play, I end up hating the way the characters seem to ice-skate through the game when walking... I get lost very easily, can't remember where I've been or come from, panic as zombies approach and end up with one of the undead motherfuckers taking a good old chomp out of my neck, with blood spurting out whilst I try to shake them off, wriggling about like a little girl whose been injected with smack. And those doors, those fucking doors that you have to stare at while the levels load... *shudder!*

Yes, yes, yes. I fully expect to get a good slagging off for this. I'll hold my hands up... It's me not the franchise. I'm shit, the games good. Yeah, yeah... whatever...

Number 3: Exhumed Now actually, this one is quite good! And there you were thinking I was just a moaning arse. This Egyptian themed FPS sees you exploring a labarynth of tombs trying to avenge the grave-robbing of some long-dead Pharaoh. Visually simple, you follow a series of mazes, twisting right and left, looking at the end of your sword or pistol, and slashing or firing accordingly. 3D in the most simplistic of senses, this is rather like an old PC game. On your way you battle jumping spiders, buzzards and a concoction of other scary beasts. Killing them gives you power-ups and replenishes health.

You can twist and turn your way through the ancient crypts at quite a speed, giving the game a fluid and pacey feel. I don't usually like FPS games, never got into Quake or Doom, but this, I like... Good-oh! Let's crack on..

Number 4: Street Racer Definitely the best of the bunch! A Mario Kart style racing game with an eight-player multi-play facility. Cartoony in it's graphic layout, the best way to describe it is by comparison. I've already mentioned Mario Kart, let's throw in Whacky Races on the Dreamcast, Micromachines on the Megadrive and even a touch of Crash Nitrokart.

Very impressive graphics and 3D physics within the game engine, I'm not going to say too much about this particular game because its so good it deserves a full review at a later date.

Phew! Quite a lengthy diatribe for what was meant to be a quick post! All this typing's made me feel like I need a quick Segata Sanshiro fix, so I'll shamelessly throw another straight on top of this... Goodnight dear children, wherever you are...